chapter Six
"Good gracious!" Bedelia was intrigued. "I am not easily shocked. What is this idea?"
"Maude said that she traveled in many strange and exotic places."
A faint distaste flashed in Bedelia's eyes but she masked it. "Is that helpful?"
"No doubt she wore some...strange clothes," Grandmama said tentatively. "Possibly of colors we would not choose."
Bedelia understood instantly and her face lit with pleasure.
"Oh! But of course! How clever of you. Yes, certainly, some of them might be cut up for the most excellent Christmas ornaments."
Grandmama felt a chill at the thought of cutting up any of Maude's clothes, things she had worn in the places that she had obviously loved so far from home. She might have stood in the sunset in some Persian garden and smelled the perfume of strange trees and the wind off the desert and looked up to unimaginable stars. Or perhaps there would be scarves of silk she had bought at a noisy, multitudinous bazaar in Marrakech, or some such city. They should all be treated with tenderness, folded to keep in the odor of spices and strange fruit, oils and leathers, and the smoke from the campfires.
"You are so clever, Mrs. Ellison," Bedelia was saying. "Of course most of her things are here and we have only to unpack them. And it is unlikely that any of them are things that anyone else would wear. I really do not care to offer them, even to the poor. It would be..."
"Disrespectful," Grandmama filled in, meaning it, and enjoying forcing Bedelia to agree. She hated herself for doing it, but truth required some strange sacrifices. "This way they will be totally anonymous, and give pleasure for years to come." Forgive me, Maude, she thought to herself. Detection is not easy, and I refuse to fail. She stood up. "I suppose we should begin. See what we can find." That was crass. She had not been invited to look into Maude's effects, but she was most curious to see if there was anything helpful. No one else who knew that she had been murdered would ever have such an opportunity.
If Bedelia were offended she did not show it.
Upstairs in the box room, where the luggage had been stored, they set about opening the two trunks Maude had brought back with her. Grandmama found herself with the one packed with ordinary blouses and skirts, underclothes, and sensible, rather scuffed boots. They were of moderate quality linen, cotton, and some of raw, unbleached wool. She wondered in what marvelous places Maude had worn these. What had she seen, what emotions of joy, pain, or loneliness had she felt? Had she longed for home, or had she been at home wherever she was, with friends, even people who loved her?
She glanced across at Bedelia and studied her face as she pulled out a length of silk striped in purples, scarlets, crimsons, and tawny golds mingled with a hot pink. She drew in her breath sharply. At first it seemed to be pleasure, excitement, even a kind of longing. Then her mouth hardened and there was hurt in her eyes.
"Good heavens above!" she said sharply. "What on earth could she have worn this for? Whatever is it?" She shook it out until it billowed and appeared to be a sheet with very little distinctive shape. "One can only hope it was a gift, and not something she purchased for herself. No woman could wear such a thing, even at twenty, never mind at Maude's age! She would have looked like something out of the circus!" She started to laugh, then stopped abruptly. "A very good thing we looked at this first, Mrs. Ellison. If the servants had seen it we should be the talk of the village."
Grandmama felt her fury flare up and if she had dared she would have lashed out verbally in Maude's defense. But there were bigger considerations, and with intense difficulty she choked back the words. She forced herself to look as close to good-natured as she could manage, which effort cost her dearly. "Instead they will be talking about the gorgeous and perfectly unique ornaments on your tree," she said sweetly. "And you will be able to say that they are a remembrance of your sister."
Bedelia sat rigid, her eyes unmoving, her face set. It could have been grief, or the complexity and hurt of any memory, including anger that would never now be redeemed, or regret for forgiveness too late. Or even debts uncollected. The only thing Grandmama was certain of was that the emotion was deep, and that it brought no ease or pleasure.
They took the silks downstairs and Bedelia cut into them with large fabric shears. Bright clouds like desert sunsets drifted across the table and onto the floor. Grandmama picked them up and began to work on the papier-mache and paste to make the basic balls before they should be covered in the bright gauze. After that they would stitch little dolls to dress in the gold and bronze and white with pearls. She smiled at the prospect. It was fun to create beauty.
But she was not here to enjoy herself. This silk in her hands had been a wonderful, wild, garish robe that Maude had worn on the hot roads of Arabia, or somewhere like it.
"I imagine Maude must have known some very different people," she said thoughtfully. "They would seem odd to us, perhaps even frightening." She allowed the lamplight to fall on the purple silk and the brazen red. "I cannot imagine wearing these colors together."
"Nor could anyone else outside a fairground!" Bedelia responded. "You see why we could not have her here when Lord Woollard stayed. We allowed him the courtesy of not shocking or embarrassing him."
"Is he a man of small experience?" Grandmama inquired with as much innocence as she could contrive.
"Of discreet taste and excellent family," Bedelia said coolly. "His wife, whom I have met, is the sister of one of Her Majesty's ladies-in-waiting. An excellent person."
Perhaps even a week ago Grandmama would have been impressed. Now all she could think of was Maude's Persian garden with the small owls in the dusk.
There was a knock on the door and Agnes came in. A brief conversation followed about parties, games to be played, especially blindman's bluff, and of course refreshments.
"We must remember some lemon curd tarts for Mrs. Hethersett," Agnes reminded her. "She is always so fond of them."
"She will have to make her own," Bedelia responded. "She will not be coming."
"Oh, dear! Is she unwell again?" Agnes asked sympathetically.
"She will not be coming because I have not invited her," Bedelia said tersely. "She was unforgivably rude."
"That was over a year ago!" Agnes protested.
"It was," Bedelia agreed. "What has that to do with it?"
Agnes did not argue. She admired the rapidly progressing baubles, and returned to the task of organizing pies and tarts.
"How very unpleasant," Grandmama sympathized, wondering what on earth Mrs. Hethersett could have said that Bedelia still bore a grudge a year later, and at Christmas, of all times. "She must have been dreadfully rude to distress you so much." She nearly added that she could not understand why people should be rude, but that was too big a lie to swallow. She could understand rudeness perfectly, and practice it to the level of an art. It was something she had never previously been ashamed of, but now it was oddly distasteful to her.
"She imagines I will forget," Bedelia responded. "But she is quite mistaken, as she will learn."
Grandmama bent to the stitching again, blending the bright colors with less pleasure, and wondered what Maude had done to Bedelia that old memories lingered so long in unforgiveness.
Why had Maude returned now? Was it possible Grandmama was completely mistaken? Had she allowed her bored and lonely imagination to conjure up murder where there was only an unexpected death, and grief that looked like anger? And a proud woman who would not allow another to see that she was bitterly ashamed of having turned away her sister for fear that her behavior was socially inappropriate, and now regretted it so terribly when it was too late? Was Grandmama making a crime out of what was only a tragedy?
***
Dinner was tense again. As on the first night there was the palpable undercurrent of emotions that perhaps there always is in families: knowledge of weaknesses, indulgences, things said that would have been better forgotten, only there is always someone who will remind.
Aloud they recalled past Christmases, particularly those when Randolph had been a boy, which necessarily excluded Clara. Grandmama studied her face and saw the flicker of hurt in it, and then of annoyance.
The others were enjoying themselves. For once Arthur joined in the laughter and the open affection as Bedelia told a tale of Randolph 's surprise at receiving a set of tin soldiers in perfect replica of Wellington 's army at Waterloo. It seemed he had refused to come to the table, even for goose. He was so enraptured he could not put his soldiers down. Bedelia had tried to insist, but Arthur had said it was Christmas, and Randolph should do as he pleased.
Grandmama found herself smiling also-until she saw the hunger in Zachary's eyes, his look at Bedelia, Agnes's look at him, and remembered that Randolph was the only one among all four of them likely to have a child. He was forty. Clara, strong-willed and ambitious, was a great deal younger. When would they have children? Or might that be another grief waiting in the wings?
She would have liked to have had more children herself; a daughter like Charlotte might have made all the difference, or even like Emily. A lot of work, a lot of frustration and disappointment, but who could measure the happiness?
It would be better if she did not think of the past anymore. Far better to treasure what you have than grieve over what you have not.
She looked around their faces again. Why does anybody hate someone enough to kill them, with all the risk involved? You don't, if you are sane. You kill to protect, to keep what you have and love: position, power, money, even safety from scandal, the pain of humiliation, or loss, or the terror in loneliness. She could easily imagine that. Perhaps we were all as fragile, if one found the right passion, the fear that eats at the soul.
She looked at the light from the chandeliers glittering on the silver, the crystal, at the white linen, the lilies from the hothouse, and the red wine, all the different faces, and wondered if she really wanted to know the answer.
Then she remembered Maude's laughter, and the memories in her eyes as she described the moonlight over the desert. There was no escaping the answer. That would be the ultimate, irredeemable cowardice.
***
The following day the scullery maid cut her finger so badly she could not use her hand, and the kitchen was in pandemonium. Agnes had been going to take the pony trap to deliver gifts to the vicar's widow in Dymchurch, and now all plans had to be rearranged.
Without a thought for her own competence for such a task, Grandmama offered to go in her stead. The stable boy could drive her and she would call, with explanations, upon Mrs. Dowson and give her the already wrapped gifts for herself, and one or two other families.
Her offer was accepted, and at ten o'clock they set off, she feeling very pleased with herself. It was a bitter day with clouds piling slate gray on the horizon, and the wind had veered round to come from the north with ice on the edge.
Grandmama sat with the rug wrapped tightly around her knees and tucked in under her, hoping profoundly that it would not snow before she returned to Snave, or she might find that the chill she had considered pretending could be only too real. She had no desire whatever to spend Christmas in bed with a fever!
And then another thought assailed her, even more unpleasant. What if she discovered beyond doubt who it was that had picked the foxglove leaves and distilled their poison, and could prove it? And that person became aware of the fact! Then it might be a great deal more than a chill that afflicted her. She wondered if it was painful to die of a heart slowing until it stopped altogether. She could feel it bumping in her chest now with fear.
If she died, would anyone miss her enough to be sorry? Would anyone's world be colder or grayer because she was not in it?
She thought of Maude alone in the house of strangers who had taken her in out of kindness, or worse, a sense of duty. Or pity? That was even worse again. Had Maude felt obliged to work hard to be charming, hide the rejection she must feel inside in order to win their warmth? Had she even known that Grandmama liked her, genuinely liked her?
Now, that was a lie. Her face was hot in spite of the knife-edge wind. She had loathed Maude, even before she arrived, because Maude would displace her as the center of attention. She had realized only after Maude was dead how much she had liked her, admired her, found her exciting to listen to, freeing the imagination and awakening dreams. She wished now with a desire so strong it was like a physical ache that she had allowed Maude to see that she liked her, more than anyone else she could think of.
They were going toward the sea and she could smell the salt more sharply. Dymchurch was not far from St. Mary in the Marsh. She could not return home until she had solved this. It would be a betrayal not only of Maude, but of friendship itself. The length of it was irrelevant, it was the depth that mattered.
She ignored the great ragged skies, clouds streaming across its vastness like the torn banners of an army, spears of ice not far behind. As they drove into the village itself she could hear the roaring of the surf on the shore and the tower of the church seemed to stand aloft against the racing darkness coming in on the storm.
They pulled up to a small cottage with bare vines covering the arch over the gate and the stable boy announced that they had arrived. He said he would take the parcels in for her, as soon as they had ascertained that Mrs. Dowson was at home. Then he would take the pony and trap around to the stable to shelter until she was ready to leave again. He looked anxiously at the sky, and then smiled, showing gapped teeth.
Grandmama thanked him and with his help alighted.
Mrs. Dowson was at home. She was a lean woman with narrow shoulders and bright eyes. She must have been closer to eighty than seventy, but seemed to be still in excellent health. There was a color in her cheeks as if she had recently been outside, even in this darkening weather.
Grandmama introduced herself.
"My name is Mariah Ellison, Mrs. Dowson. Please excuse me for calling unannounced on Mrs. Harcourt's behalf, but I am afraid I have accepted their hospitality in the wake of tragedy, and the whole family is bravely making the very best of a hard situation. I offered to come on this errand for her. I feel it is the least I can do."
"Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. Very kind of you, Mrs. Ellison." She looked at Grandmama curiously but without apprehension. "May I offer you tea, and perhaps a mince pie or something of the sort?" She did not ask what the tragedy had been. Was that extreme discretion, or had word somehow come this far already?
"Thank you," Grandmama accepted, wondering if there were a third possibility, that she simply did not care. "I admit, it is remarkably cold outside. I do not know this area very well. I live in London and am merely visiting, but I find something most pleasing about the sea air, even when there is so very much of it."
Mrs. Dowson smiled. "It pleases me, too," she agreed, conducting the way into a small but very pretty sitting room. It was low-ceilinged, with furniture covered in floral chintz, and a fire burning in the hearth. She rang the bell, and when the maid came, requested tea and tarts.
"Now, my dear," she said when they were seated, "what is the trouble with poor Agnes now? I imagine it is Agnes, is it not?"
How interesting, Grandmama thought. Aloud she said, "I am afraid it is all of them. Did you ever know the third sister, Miss Maude Barrington?"
Something hardened in Mrs. Dowson's face, and her eyes were chill. "I did. But if you have come to say something uncomplimentary about her, I would thank you not to. I know she was a little unruly, and perhaps she threw herself too fully into things, but she had a good heart, and it was all very long ago. I think one should take one's victories very lightly, and one's losses with silence and dignity, do you not agree, Mrs. Ellison?"
How curious! Not at all what Grandmama had expected. Mrs. Dowson's eyes might be bright and cold, but they kindled a sudden new warmth in Grandmama's mind.
"Indeed I do," she said heartily. "That is one of the reasons I felt an affection for Maude the moment I met her. It is one of the great sadnesses of my life that I knew her such a very short time."
"I beg your pardon?" Mrs. Dowson said huskily, her face now filled with alarm.
Even a week ago Grandmama would have made a condescending reply to that. Now all she wanted to do was find some kinder way of telling the news.
"I am so sorry. Maude arrived home from abroad and because of other family commitments at her sister's house, she came and stayed with her cousin, Mr. Joshua Fielding, who is also a relative of mine, hence my presence there. Maude died, quite peacefully in her sleep, three days ago." She saw the undisguised pain in the old lady's face. "I felt so very grieved I chose to take the news to her family in person, rather than merely send some written message," she concluded, "which is how I come to be still staying with them now. I am doing what little I can to help."
"Oh, dear," Mrs. Dowson said, shaking her head a little. "I assumed it was no more than another of Agnes's chills, or whatever it is she has. How stupid of me. One should not assume. This is a deep loss." Suddenly the tears filled her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she apologized.
Grandmama did not find it absurd that after forty years Mrs. Dowson should still grieve so keenly. Time does not cloud certain memories. Bright days from youth, laughter and friendship can remain.
But crass as it seemed, it was also an opportunity that she could not afford to ignore. "Did you know her well, before she left to travel abroad?" she asked.
"Oh yes," Mrs. Dowson smiled. "I knew all the girls then. My husband was a curate, just young in his ministry. Very earnest, you know, as dedicated men can be. I rather think Maude overwhelmed him. She was so fierce in her love for Arthur Harcourt. And of course Arthur was quite the dashing young man-about-town. He was extraordinarily handsome, and he knew it. But he could hardly fail to. If he'd crooked a finger at any of the girls in the south of England they'd have followed him. I might have myself, if I'd thought he meant it. But I was never very pretty, and I was happy enough with Walter. He was genuine. I rather thought Arthur wasn't."
"Sincere? Was he simply playing with Maude?"
Suddenly Grandmama's liking for Arthur Harcourt evaporated as if she had torn the smiling mask off and seen rotten flesh underneath.
"Oh no," Mrs. Dowson said quickly. "That was where Walter and I disagreed. He thought Arthur loved Bedelia. He called them a perfect match. Something of an idealist, my husband. Thought beauty was bone deep, not just a chance of coloring and half an inch here and there, and of course confidence. Self-belief, you know? Imagine how the map of the world might have been changed if Cleopatra's nose had been half an inch longer! Then Caesar might not have fallen in love with her, or Mark Anthony either."
Grandmama was carried along in a hurricane of thought.
"I'm so sorry," Mrs. Dowson apologized again. "Walter always said my mind was totally undisciplined. I told him that was not so at all, simply that it moved in a different pattern from his. Bedelia Barrington could twist him around her little finger! And half the men in the county, too. Poor Zachary never got over it, which is such a shame. Agnes was the better girl, if only she could have believed that herself!"
Grandmama did not interrupt her. The tea arrived. Mrs. Dowson poured, and passed the mince pie and jam tarts.
"Bedelia thought she was glamorous, Agnes was dull, and Maude was plain and eccentric. Because of her confidence, far too many people believed that she must be right."
"But she was not..."
"Certainly she was," Mrs. Dowson contradicted her. "But only because we allowed her to be. Except Maude. She knew Bedelia's beauty was of no real value. No warmth in it, do you see?"
"But she fell in love with Arthur? So much so that she could not bear it when he came to his senses and married Bedelia after all?" Grandmama deliberately chose her words provocatively.
"I used to think he lost his senses again," Mrs. Dowson argued. "I was furious with Maude for not fighting for the man she loved. Fancy simply giving up and running away like that! Off to North Africa, and then Egypt and Persia. Riding horses in the desert, and camels too, for all I can say. Lived in tents and gave what was left of her heart to the Persians."
"She wrote to you!" Grandmama was astonished, and delighted. Maude had had a friend here who had cared for her over the years and kept her in touch with home.
"Of course," Mrs. Dowson said indignantly. "She never told me why she left, but I came to realize it was a matter of honor, and must not ever be discussed. She did what she believed to be the right thing. But I don't think that she ever stopped loving Arthur."
New ideas began to form in Grandmama's mind. "Mrs. Dowson, do you know why Maude chose to come home now, after so long?" she asked. "Did she have any...any anxieties about her health?"
"Not that she confided in me." Mrs. Dowson frowned. "She was certainly afraid, a little oppressed by the thought of returning after so long. But the gentleman she had cared for in Persia, and who had loved her, had died. She told me that. It grieved her very much, and it also meant that she had no reason for remaining there anymore. In fact she implied that without his protection it would be unwise for her to do so. I do not know their relationship. I never asked and she never told me, but it was not regular, as you and I would use the term."
"I see. Was Bedelia aware of this?" Was that the scandal she was afraid might come to Lord Woollard's ears-even perhaps quite frankly told by Maude, in order to shock? After Bedelia's coolness over the years, and the fact that it was she Arthur had married, whatever his reason, it would not be unnatural now if Maude had been unable to resist at least preventing her sister from becoming Lady Harcourt. She asked Mrs. Dowson as much.
"She may have been tempted," Mrs. Dowson replied. "But she would not have done it. Maude never bore a grudge. That was Bedelia."
"Was Bedelia not very much in love with Arthur, even before Maude returned from caring for her aunt?" Grandmama asked.
"Maude did tell you a great deal, didn't she?" Mrs. Dowson observed.
Grandmama merely smiled.
"However much Maude had despised Bedelia, she would never have hurt Arthur," Mrs. Dowson continued. "As I said, she never stopped loving him. And I refer to that emotion that seeks the best for the other, the honor and happiness and inward spiritual journey; not the hunger to possess at all costs, the joy for oneself in their company and the feeling that they are happy only when they are with you. That is Bedelia, all about winning. And poor Agnes was concerned she was always going to be no more than second-best."
"Then why was Arthur so foolish?" Grandmama marveled. "Was he really blinded by mere physical...oh." A far simpler and more understandable answer came to her mind. She saw that Mrs. Dowson was watching her intently. She felt the heat in her cheeks as if Mrs. Dowson could read her thoughts.
"I do not know," Mrs. Dowson said quietly. "But I believe Maude did, and that is why Bedelia was very happy that she should remain in Persia for the rest of her life."
The idea became firmer in Grandmama's mind. It made sense of what was otherwise outside the character and nature of the people she had observed. Looking at Mrs. Dowson, she was certain she had guessed the same answer. She smiled across at her. "How very sad," she said gently, aware of what an absurd understatement that was. "Poor Arthur." She hesitated. "And poor Zachary."
"And Agnes," Mrs. Dowson added. "But above all, I wish that Maude had not...not suffered so."
"But she made the best of it," Grandmama said with an intensity of feeling, an absolute conviction that welled up inside her, driving away all doubt.
Mrs. Dowson nodded. "Maude always knew how to live. She knew the worst was there and she accepted the pain as part of the truth of things, but she chose to see the best also, and to find the joy in variety. She did not close herself off from the richness of experience. I think that was her gift. I shall miss her terribly."
"Even though I knew her only briefly, I shall miss her also," Grandmama confessed. "But I am profoundly grateful that I did know her. And...and gratitude is something I have not felt lately. Simply to have that back is a..." She did not know how to finish. She sniffed, pulled her emotions together with an effort, then rose to her feet. "But I have something to do. I must return to Snave and attend to it. Thank you very much for your hospitality, Mrs. Dowson, and even more for the understanding you have given me. May I wish you the joy of the season, and remembrance of all that is good in the past, together with hope for the future."
Mrs. Dowson rose also. "Why, how graciously put, Mrs. Ellison. I shall endeavor to remember that. May I wish you joy also, and safety in your journey, both in the body and in the spirit? Happy Christmas."
Outside it was beginning to snow, white flurries on the wind. So far it was only dusting the ground, but the heavy pall of cloud to the north made it apparent that there was a great deal more to come. Whether she wanted to or not, Grandmama would be unlikely to be able to return to St. Mary in the Marsh today. That was a good thing. What she had to do would be best done in the evening, when they were all together after dinner. It would be uncomfortable, extremely so. She felt a sinking in her stomach as she sat in the pony trap, wrapped against the snow. The biting wind was behind her and the roar of the sea breaking on the shore growing fainter as they moved inland between the wide, flat fields, beginning to whiten.
She was afraid. She admitted it to herself. She was afraid of unpleasantness, even physical attack, although she expected any attack to be secret, disguised as the one on Maude had been. Even more than that, and it surprised her, she was afraid of not doing it well.
But then, like Agnes, she had regarded herself as a failure most of her life. She had lived a lie, always pretending to be a highly respectable woman, even aggressively so, married to a man who had died relatively young and left her grieving since her late forties, unable to recover from the loss.
In truth, she had married wretchedly, and his death had released her, at least on the outside. She had never allowed herself to be released in her own mind, and worse still, in her heart. She had kept up the lie, to save her pride.
Of course no one ever needed to know the details, but she could have been honest with herself, and it would slowly have spread through her manner, her beliefs, and in the end the way she had seen and been seen by others.